Following the popularity of my original series of 20 interview questions and how not to answer them, I've once again revisited the job interview scenario and present for your delectation a bit of Friday afternoon fun:
Interviewer: "How do you manage people?'.
Interviewee: "I don't so much manage as tolerate them to be honest"
Interviewer: "Describe a complex problem you had to deal with"
Interviewee: "Chlamydia wasn't much fun, but hemorrhoids are worse, let me tell you. Oh yes!"
Interviewer: "How would you rank yourself among your peers?"
Interviewee: "Better than Lord Haw Haw but not quite as good as Lord Sugar"
Interviewer: "What contribution did you make to the management team?"
Interviewee: "I put £5 into the kitty when my boss left. It was worth it just to see the back of him"
Interviewer: "What's your biggest flaw?"
Interviewee: "The 5th I think. Whatever floor accounts are on, the bunch of wasters!"
Interviewer: "Did your last company live up to your expectations?"
Interviewee: "yes, apart from the bloke in IT who smelt like a bag of soiled pants"
Interviewer: "Why did you join your previous company?"
Interviewee: "God knows. I was having a bad day, OK?!?!?"
Interviewer: "What do you most dislike doing?"
Interviewee: "Mowing the lawn, doing the washing up, chores really"
Interviewer: "I meant in the workplace?"
Interviewee: "You have a lawn in your workplace? Jeez! What kind of weird set up IS this place?"
Interviewer: “How would others describe you?”
Interviewee: “About 5 foot 10, brown hair, slightly overweight, oh and green eyes – can you see?”
Interviewer: “How do you feel you could improve yourself?”
Interviewee: “Haircut maybe. Oh and I desperately need a bath and a shave.”
Interviewer: “What’s the biggest obstacle you've overcome?”
Interviewee” “Probably a 12 foot wall whilst running away from her Majesty’s finest boys in blue”
Interviewer: “What would your ideal job be?”
Interviewee: “Well not this one, obviously, but you know what they say - needs must when the devil drives!”
Interviewer" "Why do you want this job?"
Interviewee: "Have you tried living on benefits? Plus, most of the people down the job centre smell of wee. At least it doesn't whiff in here. Well, not at the moment anyway!
Interviewer: "Have you ever been fired?"
Interviewee: "Is the pope a Catholic? Do bears sh*t in the woods?"
Interviewer: “What will your referees say about you?”
Interviewee: “Why don't you ask them. Mum and dad are in reception. And dad’s taken the day off specially, so don’t dick him about, OK?"
Interviewer: “Would you compete for my job?”
Interviewee: “Only if it was an arm wrestle or a fist fight. And let me tell you here and now, you’d have no chance!”
Interviewer: "What would you say your greatest weaknesses are?"
Interviewee: "Oh that's an easy one - chocolate, alcohol and looking at porn on the web - but not at the same time. That would be weird!"
Interviewer: “How do you handle criticism?”
Interviewee: “ Eh? Are you suggesting I've got something wrong with me?”
Interviewer: “What interests do you have outside work?”
Interviewee: “Martial arts, body building and watching horror movies”
Interviewer: “Are you aggressive?”
Interviewee: “Who wants to know?”
Interviewer: Er, we've a few more people to see. We'll get back to you.
Interviewee: "Oh go on, you can tell me straight. It's in the bag isn't it? When can I start?