Tis the season for giving, especially in the corporate world. As the economy struggles to get back on its feet, many vendors take this opportunity to remind their clients how lucky they are to have their business.
This is the time for departments to dig deep into their pockets (ok, maybe not that deep) and shell out some cash for that bottle of booze or fruitcake that will hopefully see their relationship through to another year.
If you’re like me and you’ve been lucky enough to be on the receiving side of gifts, you know just how strange some of these presents can be. Here’s a list of the weirdest gifts people have told me they’ve received:
- A bouquet of fruit. Because nothing says “Happy Holidays” like a lukewarm banana covered in chocolate. I’ve seen many of these arrangements turn a mushy shade of gray inside break room fridges.
- A flask. Now there’s no reason to not partake in a little holiday cheer when Fridays become unbearable.
- The ridiculously cheap gift card. Because the only thing I can buy with $10 off the Sally’s Saloon and Steakhouse menu is a half a crab cake and a bottle of seltzer water.
- Non-alcoholic wine. Unless you are prevented from drinking for religious reasons, this is absolutely unacceptable.
- A weekend at a timeshare. Because I had nothing going on April 17-19, 2014, for two nights at the Winds In My Willows Resort and Spa in Branson, Missouri.
- Coupon for free services. This is something my kindergartner gives me (free hugs!) along with a salt dough ornament of her hand. Clients deserve better than this. 7. “Bidet in a Bottle” spritzer. Zum Bum makes this popular holiday gift that’s perfect “for wiping those unfreshies away.”
- A bonsai tree. Crap, now I have to prune, wire, clamp, trim, and defoliate an impossibly tiny tree every single day for the rest of my life. A cactus or fern would have been preferable.
- An unwanted book from the workroom shelf. You didn’t want to read “Tips for Saving Your Marriage, Your Job, and Your Self Respect.” Neither do I.
- Their very own celestial star. This failed to impress me when I was 11 and wanted a dirt bike instead. Not much has changed.
- A giant vat of popcorn. Nobody in their right mind could eat sixteen pounds of popcorn, let alone figure out where to stash the waist-high garland-sheathed cylinder.
- Coupon for one free steak. I was really looking forward to cutting into a bloody piece of meat for one
- Your company catalog. At least now I have something to sit the bonsai tree on.
- A reading with a local psychic. Because I have a sneaking suspicious she’ll confirm that I’ll be doing the exact same thing next year.
- A stress relief ball with your company logo. I don’t need a constant reminder of how stressed out I am. I can already see that in my sad reflection in the computer.
- A Snuggie. Because, well, it’s a Snuggie.
What did I miss?