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I've made 20 placements AFTER my phone broke!!! Here's how...

I'm still in a pissy mood after participating in today's Recruiting Animal Show starring Michael Kelemen and with guest (I'm not saying).  For those of you with iPhones, you can listen to it at 1.5X speed to cut the pain to your mind shorter. 

I can only imagine once the combustion engine went mainstream how engineering minds went wild sticking little motors on stuff that was human or horse powered.  How fun it must have been when scientists got a bunch of circuits to actually add two and two and they invented the calculator.  There must have been an eruption of cheers when someone out there was able to grind up pieces and parts and start extruding "meat" in cans.  ("LET'S CALL IT.... SPAM!")

Glory BE!  Now there's the internet!   A magical digital playground the size of the universe where bright minds can put together a bunch of mis-mash and call it something neat like "ZoomMatch". 

"Let's see.  We'll have them fill out a form.  They can pick their favorite color and tell us if they like unicorns.  Then, we'll match them up with someone they might like."  GENIUS!

Before I call it quits today and go back to my cabin near the stream, I want to addressivent (that's a combination of the word "address" and the word "vent" - I just came up with that) all those Einsteins out there trying to kill my occupation:  Outside Agency Third Party Recruiter and Headhunter.

Please don't let me bore you in between texts.  So.  Somewhere around my Freshman year of High School, there was this silly, catchy, and ridiculous song that came out called "Video Killed the Radio Star".  This song was meant and designed to be the anthem that would come marching in with the whole MTV phenomenon and the smart people of the world were convinced that all us dummies were eventually going to permanently shut off our radios to listen to music.  (It's my blog and I can write run-on sentences if I want.)  People of the future world were going to swap old fashioned one dimensional music with this *NEW* video music.  COOL!  (Of course, later we all know the iPod was invented and plugged music right literally back into our ear canals.) 

I'm around 40-something.  (I would actually have to do math to be precise and I started ignoring my age about six years ago.)  This, in fact, is the second worse period in my life regarding national unemployment.  I believe that it will eventually prove to be worse than the unemployment of the '70's and time will tell.

So, roughly since the '80's, this is the most desperate of times for people to find jobs.  Naturally, if a martian was to land on Earth this moment and check things out, there would be a reasonable conclusion that outside agency recruiters would not be necessary.

After all, if all these millions of people are out of work, which includes white collar, skilled labor, and the uneducated, shouldn't these people be swamping employers with applications.  (You follow me?)  Think of it like a bowl of M&M's and company X needs a green one.  Should they just sift through the bowl until they find it?  Why PAY someone to do THAT?  (Answer:  Because the green one is missing.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.)

Back to our geniuses.  I guess it sounds like I'm trying to discourage you from trying to make me extinct.  Of course, some of this emotion bubbles up from a level of self-preservation but beyond that, take my word for it, it's just a plain silly proposition.

Let me give a weak example.  I'm color blind.  It's really weird but I actually see color but I don't know what it is.  I can see a red sign but not be sure if it isn't really green or brown.  Don't try to understand.  Think of it this way.  It's as if I never memorized colors and their names.  Again, don't try to understand.  Just follow me.  So, somewhere around 1991 when I was single, bored, and a blooming professional, I went to the store and bought a canvas, brush set, and multiple jars of paint.  I came up with the bright idea that I needed to show the world another corner of my creative grandeur by painting a picture of a ship on the sea being sunk by a huge octopus.  That was my idea.  And it was a stupid idea.  After about 20 or 30 minutes, I quit and stuck the idiotic-looking ruined canvas in the basement.  I don't freaking see color.  How did I ever think I could paint? 

So why are you targeting me?  Go back to the whole unemployed thing.  Do you really, really, really, honestly think some top performing "needle in the haystack" candidate is going find your silly website, your ridiculous app, or your secret advertisement, smack their forehead, and decide it's time to apply for a job THAT WAY?  HUH?  REALLY?

OK.  There's something to ingenuity.  We don't go to a five-star restaurant and make reservations weeks in advance to eat pot roast and mashed potatoes (unless you live in New York.)  We pay $50 for the prissy waiter to bring over the gigantic plate that has a 3 ounce cut of meat that's been treated by some odd concoction of spices and other stuff to go "yum" for 20 minutes.  THAT'S INGENUITY!

Today I heard someone who thought advertising jobs on Pinterest was a brilliant concept.  OH!  OH!  I have an idea.  Let's put job ads in fortune cookies.  "Good nature will wisely grant you fortune.  11 19 23 31 40 55 57.  Java Developer needed in Jersey."

Come on.  (Hang on.  I'm going to stamp my foot against the concrete like a 2 year old.)  Ahhhh.

Stop it! 

You can't get rid of us because we're the one's who make phone calls!!!  You can't get rid of us because we're the ones who call the candidates!  YOU CAN'T GET RID OF US BECAUSE LAZY "RECRUITERS" (note the parenthesis) WHO FAIL TRY EVERYTHING TO AVOID MAKING PHONE CALLS!

My phone didn't break.  I lied to attract readers.  I confess.  (By the way, don't get any ideas.  You can't replace my phone either.)

I beg you to please continue to identify yourselves and keep trying.  Because as another person on the line (you can ask me who if you want) said on today's Recruiting Animal Show, when your clients realize that "Jobissimo" or "NakedCandidateFinder" or "ZapUrFuture" or whatever cockamamie web gizmo you sold them doesn't bring forward your next future VP of Whatever, your clients will be calling us. 

With their phones.

- Steve

Views: 654

Comment by Ian Millar on August 21, 2013 at 7:36pm

I'm dying with laughter right now. Thanks. But, you know, when they figure out how to make those Fortune Cookie Ads digital, I'm buying a subscription. 

Comment by Kelly Blokdijk on August 21, 2013 at 7:56pm

If you make that fortune cookie ad, I promise to make a vine video about it and pin it on pinterest so my talent community can drool all over it 

Comment by Ian Millar on August 21, 2013 at 8:22pm

Ha, there's product extension for ya. 

Comment by Recruiting Animal on August 22, 2013 at 11:16am

It was a mistake to take Mike's name out. It doesn't read as well without it

Comment by Amy Ala on August 22, 2013 at 5:55pm

This gets funnier every time I read it. :)

Comment by Noel Cocca on August 23, 2013 at 12:00am

I post jobs on my t shirt.  

Comment by Ian Millar on August 23, 2013 at 3:04pm

Noel, that's one I haven't tried. But, I'm totally up for a way to do that! 

Comment by Ian Millar on August 23, 2013 at 3:20pm

this post still makes me laugh

Comment by Joshua Lee on August 25, 2013 at 8:33pm

Cool post.  Just to play devil's advocate for a second....tell me you aren't interested in every new web or mobile software or app that comes out that is recruiting oriented.  I know we all see what its about.  There's a reason.  In a way we're lucky.  Sure they all fail.  Just like all ATS suck but we need them don't we?  We're privileged to watch the pioneers trying to mary technology with recruiting appropriately for the first time.  Eventually, they'll get it right.  Fortunately, they all suck right now.  At some point will recruiting ever be commodity?  It is already in some lower echelon fields isn't it?  Just rambling now....anyway nice post. :)

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