Learning By Mistake

Inspired by Maureen's post on failure, here is something I recently wrote to a girlfriend who is working through some hard stuff. Learning the hard way isn't wrong. It's how I've learned everything that's important to me. And sometimes I say just what I need to hear.

Here's the part you still don't get--- it's okay to fall down, screw up, make mistakes and learn new stuff through trial and error. Transformation is a process and you have to learn to use the tools one at a time. There's always something more to learn.

It's like learning to ski. Sometimes you end up at the top of a mountain in the snow and cold and wind with two very long slippery boards strapped to your feet and a whole new appreciation for gravity and friction.

It seemed like such a good idea. There you are; and there is no going back. So you fall on your ass all the way down the mountain. Then your friends who look so cheerful, warm and dry tell you to do it again. They think it's great. You think you're not sure whether you would rather kill yourself or kill them first.

The bad news is that it never ends-- you will always be learning something new and screwing up while you do it.

The good news is that if there is no end--no final achievement-- then any place in the process is no better and no worse than anywhere else in the process. It's just an infinite number of points on a infinite line. So it is always okay to be exactly where you are--even when that place feels rotten. It's just the place for this moment. And it will change. Guaranteed.

You never get "fixed" or "perfect" or even "normal" because there's no such thing. And if you think you are, then you are really, really screwed up.

As long as you can see a little bit past your fear and pain and are trying to work with it-- you are doing the right things. Sometimes even when you can't see and don't want to do anything except hide under the covers with a carton of dark-chocolate caramels, you are still doing the right thing.

Quit judging yourself about where you are--you're there. You won't be there long. And the more you beat yourself up and tell yourself it's not okay to be there, the more stuck you will feel.

So your worst fears came true. Now there's nothing to be afraid of.

Start where you are--it's not like you really have a choice. If it sucks-- okay. So it sucks. What's the next right thing?

Try not to act from a place of fear or anger-- that's not always possible. Make amends when it's appropriate. Take responsibility for what is yours. DON'T take responsibility for what isn't yours. And if you're confused about that, it's okay to be confused. You will start to feel clearer soon.

You get do-overs every minute of your life. It's never too late.